communication and connection

Communication again! It is the most essential element between people. The first reason for wars and quarrels, because unfortunately in everyday life, much goes wrong because of the unefficient communication. 

Basicly, communication should be taught in schools, but then of course the teachers must learn it first!! When we have genuine communication with another person, we feel good and connected. When we cannot communicate with each other, when we cannot REACH each other, we feel lonely and disconnected. Communication connects us. It is like a glue that holds us together. How important is it to understand how it works and especially concerning the autistic child.

Yesterday my husband asked me if I had shut off the stove. I answered him no. "I asked you to shut it and to serve the soup as well!" I did have a look in the pan and I stirred it also, but since I had just come home, I didn't know if the soup was ready. I hadn't heard at all that he asked me to shut it off and to serve it. Let's say in a better way, that my brain had not recorded that. It was as if he hadn't said it at all!

In the Neurolinguistic Programming, a fairly new direction in psychology, they support the idea, that the value of a message is what the receiver understands. In other words, I can explain whatever I want, but if the other person does not understand it, the explanation is useless. 

How suitable is this with autism! Our first concern must be to find ways for the child to be able to understand us. 

When Giorgos wants chocolate or when he wants to go to the park, and I don't want to give in, I can find many arguments, real ones ("It is raining, Giorgo, we can't get out now!", "you already had chocolate", "it is time for bed now", "later!", tomorrow"), or untrue ones ("there is a dog in the park now", Yes, we are going", "just wait"), they have no meaning whatsoever since Giorgos has the park or the chocolate in his egocentric mind. Whatever we say to him, will not come across and will miss its goal!

If Giorgos had a board with his program on it, everything would obtain sense to him. We could then just refer to his program and he would know that the park is on at 17.00 and chocolate at 18.00 (of course I would prefer him not to eat chocolate at all, wrong example!!). It is much easier for everbody if his daily life doesn't change much and is predictable for him. 

It is not always easy to find a way for the child to understand what we want to tell him, but we must try. We must never think that the child does not understand  anyway!! It is our fault if he doesn't, let that be clear by now!!

I wanted to teach Panagiotis to say NO. I thought we could manage that with juice. I asked him if he wanted to have juice, and of course he did. I brought him two glasses, an empty one and one with juice in it. I offered him the empty one, asking him: "Do you want this one?"intending to show him that I wanted to hear NO from him. But poor Panagiotis fell apart, thinking that I was not going to give him the juice!! I felt sorry for him and quickly gave him the juice.

What I want to say with this example is that after so many years that I knew Panagiotis and so many years that I work with autism, I stil just try out every time! Every child has a different understanding. It is up to us to find ways that the child can understand, in order to create this connection between us, which the child as well as his parents long for so much! 

It must be very difficult for egocentric autistic children, to perceive that the people around them don't understand them. For them everything is in its place, but then why do others harrass them and annoy them?? Isn' t it enough to explode???  

It isn't true that the children don't understand. They understand quite well, that they are not understood. We can bridge the two islands that we are and find our real connection. People are social beings and autistic children too!

I would love to receive your communication solutions, ways that proofed to be effective for you! Please write them to me and I will publish them in our magazine (not in English though...).